I Almost Didn’t Go… and Then I Did: The Night I Danced Again

You Are Not Alone: A Letter from Your Facilitator

My journey from isolation to connection through an Afloat mothers*’ support group

Why I Keep Writing to You - and Why It Matters

Maybe this is your sign to come sit with us today...

I know how easy it is to postpone something that’s just for you. To tell yourself you’ll join the Afloat support group next time, when things feel lighter or calmer. I used to do the same...and then I showed up.

I am Johanna, the Mothers* Story Circle Berlin facilitator and the Afloat Director...and yes, the one sending you numerous emails about the Afloat support groups, if you have signed to one already :)

This time, I’d like to share something very personal with you. To explain why I keep reaching out, why I’m encouraging you to show up - for my group, for the Father’s Group, for all the Afloat support groups really - and why I facilitate and lead Afloat. I hope it’s okay that I write this message to you.

I’m sharing this because it’s part of my story, not because it should be yours. You know yourself best. Take what speaks to you and leave the rest. I hope it reaches your heart and helps you see that you are not alone in this, that we share something, and that maybe soon you’ll step out of your door, or log in to Zoom, and join us in the next Afloat support group.

You already took the brave first step by registering for an Afloat support group. That shows there is a need. Yet I know how hard it can be to actually show up, how easy it is to postpone something that’s just for you, to say you’ll come next time, when things feel lighter or calmer. I used to do the same.

When Motherhood* Feels Heavy

When my son was born, I thought I had it all together. I’d graduated from a brilliant business school, had big jobs, high responsibilities… then moved to Germany and suddenly became a full-time mother* in the middle of Covid.

It took me more than two years to realise I was not myself.

I kept thinking, it can’t be a mental health issue or postpartum depression - it’s been too long since birth.

The Day I Reached Out to Afloat

I reached out to Afloat crying, saying: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’m angry all the time, shouting at my kid, I can’t see a future for myself. I’m stuck in a loop. Nobody understands me. Whenever I try to think about something not baby-related - work, hobbies, even what to do tomorrow - all I see is black. A black board.”

Johanna, the director and main facilitator at the time, said to me: “You are not alone in this. Come to the monthly drop-in Afloat support group to talk. We’re launching an 8-week support group soon. You’re welcome to join.”

Being an Afloat Support Group Participant

I was like you, a participant in the Afloat support group every Wednesday evening (the 8-week group is now our quarterly 6-week one),...for 2.5 years! It did take me a while to recover... :)

I used to introduce myself as “Johanna, Bowie’s mama,” and that was it. Was it? Is it?

I kept cancelling on friends, appointments, even a holiday to Sicily, but not on Afloat support group sessions.

From Participant to Facilitator

…And then it shifted. 

I started to feel better, to have ideas again, to start small projects. I wanted to give back. I began my photo project with other Afloat mums* I’d met during the Afloat support groups because we all felt better. The only thing left was the drive to share our experience so others could get help and break that terrible loop.

I started volunteering for Afloat, helping Johanna with what looked like project management and marketing. Little did I know, I was using my education, experience, and skills - things I hadn’t recognised in myself for a long time because my confidence was so low.

Johanna kept telling me I should facilitate an Afloat support group. I kept resisting...until nearly two years ago, when I reached out to a women’s centre in Berlin to present my photo project. They said: “We have an event coming up but our speaker cancelled, would you mind stepping in?” That became my first support group.

What did I see?

Mamas* like me. Arriving low, guilty, overwhelmed. Crying, but also finding understanding and comfort in one another.

As a facilitator, what could I see that participants could not?

The change. The way they arrived and the way they left. They walked out lighter, smiling, talking together. It is cliché but so true. The group was meant to end at 21:00, but by 22:00 everyone was still there, still talking. The sessions just became long meetings full of so many interesting and stimulating conversations.

Don’t worry! We don’t hold anyone hostage! Some mamas* leave earlier, and that’s completely fine. I simply try to hold the space open for as long as it’s needed.

How did I feel afterwards? 

Amazing. I danced in the room, literally. 

My body needed to move and it hadn’t in so long.

…And do you know what amazed me most?

Many came back. The next month, and the next. Some took breaks and returned later. Some have been coming for over a year now.

This is why I keep showing up as a facilitator. Even when I wake up with a stomach ache every 1st Thursday of the month thinking: 

“Who are you to facilitate an Afloat support group? What if no one shows up? What if you say the wrong thing?”

By 21:30...no, let’s be honest, by 22:30 when I’m cleaning the space... that feeling returns, and I dance again.

I’m not the only one. I’m not alone.

You are not the only one. You are not alone.

Last month, a mum who had been coming for a year returned - transformed. Her skin glowed, her energy had shifted. She was herself again - radiant, grounded, open. She’s now building her own business and came back to share her story and give back...sounds familiar?  I was amazed how familiar it was.

I really hope that one or two of our 14 facilitators will see you soon.

We hear you. We see you. We are here for you.